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The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Seth Rogen News/Business. Seth Rogen. (2013) Actor Seth Rogen. (CC)

Contains 4 quotes

NETWORK

DURATION
00:31:00

RATING
PG-13;L

SCANNED IN
San Francisco, CA, USA

SOURCE
Comcast Cable

TUNER
Channel v63

VIDEO CODEC
mpeg2video

AUDIO CODEC
ac3

PIXEL WIDTH
528

PIXEL HEIGHT
480

TOPIC FREQUENCY

John 6, Amy 4, Hong Kong 3, Jon Stewart 3, John Oliver 3, America 2, U.s. 2, Us 2, Jason 2, Lisa 2, Smith 2, Jason Jones 2, Utah 1, Iran 1, Hollywood 1, Normandy 1, Maryland 1, Hindsight 1, Canada 1, Bee 1,
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  Comedy Central    The Daily Show With Jon Stewart    Seth Rogen  News/Business. Seth  
   Rogen.  (2013) Actor Seth Rogen. (CC)  

    June 11, 2013
    7:30 - 8:01pm PDT  

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data center in utah. >> this is a mammoth facility. the published reports indicate that it can hold five zeta-bytes of data. >> zeta bytes? they've got to be careful with those. i think that's how michael douglas got throat cancer. boom! [ cheers and applause ] hey, hey, he left you. jon left you. i'm here. so, it turns out the government is monitoring vastly more information than even george orwell wet the bed over, which brings us to our new segment. >> read the time off your [bleep] wrist watch. >> what are you doing? you won't know who to trust.
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the good news... [ cheers and applause ] good news you're not paranoid is brought to you by tin foil. why not wear it as a hat? okay. so, the government has built a giant computer that basically records every facet of our daily life. what is this sinister program called, rain foreshadow blade, the human snoop-ipede. >> the internet surveillance program is called prism. >> prism? that's the best you've got? with a logo that looks like a chinese boot leg of a pink floyd album? oh, thanks very much, mom. this is just what i wanted. i hear it syncs up perfectly to
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the dvd of the wizard of oz that you also got me. so if is this a secret program -- and this might seem like a relatively stupid question but -- how are we even talking about it? >> edward snowden has just taken responsibility for one of the biggest government leaks in u.s. history. >> i sitting at my desk certainly had the authority to wire tap anyone from you or your accountant to a federal judge to even a president if i had a personal email. >> fantastic. that's basically every conversation i've ever had with an i.t. guy. okay. okay, you can hack into the president's email account. in the meantime, can you just get [bleep] excel to work? i have a presentation in half an hour. thanks to a respectable whistle blower we now know that the government has been actively collecting an unprecedented
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amount of information on a small elect group of us who either make phone calls or use the internet. i'm going to say i'll bet the amish are feeling pretty [bleep] smug right now. or they would be feeling that way if they had any idea that this story was happening. the question now is can we trust the people who we've trusted with our information? fortunately just three months ago the senate held a hearing with director of national intelligence james clapper. in hindsight, he gave us a truly interesting window into his trustworthiness. >> so what i wanted to see if you could give me a yes-or-no answer to the question: does the n.s.a. collect any type of data at all on millions or hundreds of millions of americans?
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>> no, sir. it does not? not wittingly. spy should have that big a tail. i have no idea when the normandy landings are. is it hot in here or am i just
lying? here's how much this guy was rubbing his forehead. this is him at the start of the hearing. [ cheers and applause ] that's george stephanapolous' hair. now there are some systems already in place, thankfully, to protect us from all of this. it would, for instance, be
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illegal for the n.s.a. to directly target americans. foreigners, however, sure. for national security that's fair game. the problem is how can you tell accurately between an american and a foreigner? i guess you could ask, do you want to walk or drive? but i'm sure that the n.s.a.... you drive. you know you drive. you wouldn't even consider that as a question. but relax. i'm sure the n.s.a. has a more scientifically precise method of discerning between those two options than that. >> analyst who used the system for a web portal at fort meed key in schreckors or search terms to are designed to produce at least 51% confidence in a target's foreignness. >> whoa, whoa, whoa. 51%? that is a pretty [bleep] huge margin of error. that's basically flipping a coin
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plus one percent. [ cheers and applause ] please! tell me that we have retained at least an external check on the n.s.a. >> the fisa court, the intelligence surveillance court, has to approve any time n.s.a. seeks to pull specific information out of this database. >> last year, for example, the government asked the court 1,789 times for authority to conduct electronic surveillance. the court did not deny any of the surveillance requests. >> so they never say no. it's basically american idol with four randy jacksons. we've essentially got nothing to hold the government back stronger than a rubber-stamped court. >> there are a whole range of safeguards involved. congress is continually briefed on how these are conducted.
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>> that's lovely. so now instead of being spied on by the executive branch, it turns out we're being spied on by all the branches. i think you're misunderstanding the perceived problem here, mr. president. no one is saying that you broke any laws. we're just saying it's a little bit weird that you didn't have to. we'll be right back.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> welcome back. the story about the government surveillance operation keeps getting bigger. we have full team coverage. first jason jones is at the national security agency in fort mead, maryland. jason, have you been surprised by what's been going on the past few days. >> the surprised, yes, quite blind sided.
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i'm not alone. all of america is aghast right now. they cannot believe their eye. >> americans feel like they've been betrayed in some way. >> yeah, yeah, betrayed is a good word for what we're feeling right now. okay. we trusted the guy in charge, believed his promises about advancement, a career opportunities and seniority. >> wait, wait. wait. whoa, whoa, whoa. jason, jason, are you talking about me taking over the show? [ cheers and applause ] is that what you're talking about? >> i'm sorry. what the [bleep] else would i be talking about? you just go to iran, the boss said. risk your life and freedom. it will pay off down the road. turns out i should have just stayed here singing [bleep] chimney sweep songs. >> jason jones. let's go to is a mapt a bee at google headquarters, one of the
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companies being monitored. >> john, can i please apologize on behalf of jason. >> i appreciate that. it's fine. has google issued a statement? >> let me put it like this. (british) jones and the privacy act and the clientele. >> sam, sam. sam! >> yes. sorry, guv-nah, what? >> don't speak in a british accent. >> ten years i've been here talking american only to be leap frogged by a god for saken foreigner. >> okay, sam, thank you very much. any correspondent who has been here less time than i have. jessica live in the capital. jess, tell us about the day's hearings please? >> i'm sorry. i'm having trouble hearing you over this glass ceiling.
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ow! and it's unbreakable. all i see up there are a bunch of white penises. >> john, john. yes. i have something to say. al madrigal. hey, john, i'm here in hong kong. >> good, hong kong where of course the n.s.a. leaker edward snowden is hiding. >> when i heard snowden say he fled to hong kong because of its tradition of free speech i hopped on the plane figuring this would be the safest place for me when i told you to go [bleep] yourself. >> okay. and i don't mean that figuratively. i mean literally figure out a way, maybe through like rubber tubing, maybe through a system of weights or pull eyes. [bleep] john! john! >> yeah.
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excuse me, john, john! i have breaking news. aasif mandvi, have a go. get it off your chest. >> john, i'm here at the utah server farm where the n.s.a. combs through terabytes of data on u.s. citizens looking for patterns. >> are you actually going to file a real report? >> yes. that's my job. >> that's fantastic. please, aasif, continue. >> okay. well the aggregated data paints a clear picture of what a terrible job you, john oliver, are doing. >> you can't say that. i've only been here for six minutes. >> i know. i know. >> and buzz feed just posted the 27 worst moments of john oliver's first six minutes. oh, oh, oh, oh, wait, wait, wait. a new hash tag trending. john oliver blew a great dane. >> that can't be possibly
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something that is trending. >> it wasn't but it is now. so you're welcome. [bleep] you. >> thank you, thanks, ñ !fhobo1oqodoíododo%opo
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[ cheers and applause ] >> welcome back. my guest tonight a very funny actor whose new film which he cowrote and codirected and stars in is called "this is the end." >> how are we going to deal with this? >> can i have that milky way. no, you can't have the milky
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way. that's mine. i went out this morning, specifically bought this milky way to eat after my party. >> i don't think you should get the whole milky way. >> i'll be pretty bummed if i don't at least get a bite of the milky way. >> everyone gets a fifth of everything. >> i want one-fifth of your t-shirt, the bottom top. the belly. >> you couldn't handle my mid rif. >> please welcome back to the show seth rogen. >> john. thank you so much for turning up. >> it's nice they got a guy with the same name so i don't have to learn a new one. >> i cannot tell you how relieved i was to find this movie as funny as i did.
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>> you don't have to lie to your first guest. >> that's right. i've never interviewed actors before. i actually swear to you i had an anxiety dream last week. >> what was i doing to you? it was... i was interviewing jadyn smith. >> that is scary. i know. i said to him in this dream i said it looks really bad. just your shoulder i can see will smith going like this. like a 1950s... so it is so funny. >> thank you so much. you directed this as well. i did. i can't let jon stewart be the only jew in hollywood directing movies. [ cheers and applause ] i think he would have been if it wasn't for me stepping in. it's just us now. >> a pretty bold move to decide
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your first movie to direct is going to be about the end of the world. >> bold is one word for it. incredibly stupid might be another word for it. it's as complicated a movie as you can really make. there's giant monsters and the world ending and demons and it's a comedy which makes it even harder. but, yeah, you know, i march into difficulty. why not go for it. >> you cowrote and codirected with your friend. >> my friend evan goldberg who i might in bar mitzvah class. >> that's a note to any writers out there. just fake being jewish. >> exactly. lock on to the first kid that you see. >> it's true. you could probably find a good partner in bar mitzvah class. if you're too old, it would be creepy. over the age of 30 don't look for a writing partner in a bar mitzvah class. >> take a laptop and say where are we going to do this? the two of you... when we were
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back in canada at 13 years old little did we think we'd be directing a massive movie with a 60-foot satan with a swinging penis. >> exactly. spoiler alert. we actually did say that which is so weird. one day this giant [bleep] is going to come to life. and now we have the money to do it. so thank god. it's the biggest [bleep] ever in a movie i'm pretty confident. [ cheers and applause ] >> he talks the talk but believe me this movie also walks the walk. it is a huge sat andic swinging [bleep] [bleep]. it definitely does. now the n.s.a. is... don't shake your head. own that. >> i will own that. i'll own that [bleep]. >> this n.s.a. story. it's crazy. absolutely nuts. is. as an american human being. which i am. you are definitely
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geographically that is a fact. does that unnerve you at all? >> not really. i assume that they read all that [bleep] kind of. don't you think? a little bit. but i hadn't really thought about it until right now honestly. >> you're about to think about it because we thought we'd play a little n.s.a. we will be the n.s.a. so we put a camera in your dressing room as a national security measure. just to see, like can we roll that clip now. >> you booked me on the daily show with jon stewart and there's no jon stewart. it's some british guy. that whiny actor out of his t eavment-drinking mouth. i would rather be cleaning the bathroom in giant stadium with my bush. i would rather have a [bleep] from a poisonous tarantula.
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i stand by all that. >> and that's the only important thing. you know, you can't get in trouble if you haven't done anything wrong. >> exactly. i've done a lot wrong. >> look, on every level this was so funny. >> thank you so much. no. thank you. you couldn't have been jadyy h n smith. and you weren't. >> i appreciate it. seth rogen, ladies and gentlem
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>> that's our show. i'll try not to curse so much next time. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> the president though said yesterday we're not listening to the phone calls. we're just looking for patterns. >> harry, i don't have to listen to your phone calls to know what you're doing. if i know every single phone call you made, i'm able to determine every single person you talk to, i can get a pattern about your life that amy, you look amazing-- what are you doing? weight watchers, jenny craig? yeah, right. those take too much self-control.
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last time i checked, i wasn't a robot. boop-boop-boop, nope. how'd you do it? with slap chef. with slap chef. with slap chef. slap chef, what's that? it's a new weight-loss program that takes decision-making out of the equation. how does it work? ( announcer ) first, one of slap chef's world-class chefs makes you one of their signature dishes. then before you can say slap chef, they knock it out of your stupid mouth. slap chef! what kind of food do they make? all kinds. sandwiches. slap chef! lobster bisque with crème fraîche. slap chef! ( bleep ) turkey. slap chef! fettucine alfredo. but what if i fight back? go for it. all of the chefs are trained in the art of tai chew moi. i swear to god if you ever touch me again i'll-- ( garbled speaking ) slap chef. what about that mumbo-jumbo i heard about
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slap chef being just abject violence against women? hmm? slap chef. ♪ do you guys remember, like, do you remember bread? remember? do you remember this, white girls, bread? it's mostly made of bread. you would eat it and feel good. you wouldn't like, cut yourself and cry and be, like, "how can i do this to america?" let's just eat bread again. men don't care, they don't care. so i guess, like, some guys, they wanna sleep with a girl that's, like, a skeleton wrapped in plastic. that's fine if that's what you want. but i'm gonna keep eating and showering infrequently, uh... ♪ ( applauding ) it is time for our "get up" makeover six-month follow up.
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i love this. i know how you do. you might remember amy. sure. whose co-workers thought this overworked people pleaser needed a day of pampering and a new look to snag her a man. oh. wow, that is hideous. ohh... somebody's gonna die alone. so six months ago, lisa, our makeover expert-- i love her. i know. she's the best in the business. she went to work and she turned that into this. ( applauding ) that's a beautiful woman. i know. she looks terrific. she looks great. so lisa is at her house live-- hmm? and we're gonna check in and see how she's been maintaining her new look. hi guys, i am so excited to see amy and how pretty she looks. ( screaming ) oh! ( laughing ) i'm sorry, i think i may have the wrong house, i-- amy? yeah, you have the right house. 623 supermodel lane. get in here, you lifesaver.